It’s an irony of sorts. My father gave up smoking when I was an infant so that I wouldn’t pick up the bad habit from him. However, he used to glorify his smoking days and used to tell me stories about various cigarette brands, their wonderful packaging etc. and how he used to smoke 40 cigarettes a day.
He would also tell me the names of various fashionable foreign brands that his elder brother’s wife would bring for him from abroad and how his friends would envy him for that. My uncle used to work in Sudan and they used to travel abroad very often. My father was my aunt’s favourite and she would spoil him rotten with such gifts.
I clearly remember that as a child the subject of smoking was an important subject to discuss with my father. Another of my favourite topics to discuss with him used to be his childhood days in the small towns of Bihar.
I remember once telling him in all my excitement: Baba there is this machine that you can use to roll your own cigarettes!! Did you ever use them? Baba said, “oh come on. I could roll three cigarettes on my own in the time it takes for the roller to make one.” I thought this was a very heroic thing to do. And secretly aspired to be able to do it one day when I grew up.
I still remember I used to urge my father to take up smoking again, so that I could collect the glamorous empty packs. And like all young boys, I wanted Baba to be my hero. And all heroes smoked. He never picked up smoking again in his life. I have never actually seen him smoke. And it used to break my heart.
Then there was this maternal uncle I had who reportedly had started smoking from class two – age six or seven. I thought I would start from class eight. I don’t know why, but I thought once you were in class eight you were grown up enough to smoke. So in December 1979, when I was promoted to class eight I bought my first cigarette in Shantiniketan Poush Mela.
To make sure no one familiar would see me, I went towards the back of the fair. And while buying (I think it was a brand called Number 10) I chose a youngish boy to buy it from. The first few years I used to smoke one cigarette a day. Towards the evening. I would walk at least three four kilometres to go to a place where no one would know me and buy from shops where the sellers were much younger than usual. To smoke however, I would go to desolate places. The top of Dhakuria Bridge was a favourite spot.
I clearly remember smoking used to give me a fantastic sexual pleasure. I would get rock hard while puffing. You didn’t really have to think about any particular woman. It would just happen the moment you put the cigarette between the lips. Obviously enough, smoking fulfilled some subconscious need for oral gratification.
I don’t remember when exactly I lost this feeling of pleasure. But it isn’t there any more. In fact smoking forty cigarettes a day perhaps kills your appetite for sex. It can even lead to impotence I guess.
I don’t know if women derive any sexual pleasure from smoking. Perhaps they do. I have never discussed this with any female smoker.
There was another very important factor that contributed to smoking. This Charminar ad of Jackie Shroff (if you are a foreigner – Jackie is a macho male Indian model of yester years and now a celebrity film star in Bollywood. Despite the name, this Jackie is not a woman). Driving an open hood Jeep through lush green tea gardens, wearing dark sunglasses and looking very cool. This ad was most definitely my favourite. It justified smoking as something that cool guys do.
Charminar also had a popular radio ad before this – “Relax. Have a Charminar”. This was probably targeted at slightly older folks. The Jackie ad was more for hooking youngsters to the pleasures of smoking.
I am glad cigarette advertisements have been banned in India now. I am sure less number of young children these days are fascinated by the idea of smoking. There is nothing heroic about being able to smoke 40 cigarettes a day. Or even one.
However, what I hate most about my addiction to tobacco is that it is an addiction and because it is an addiction I can’t control it. Rather nicotine controls me and I don’t like that. Nicotine is more powerful than me. He controls my actions and emotions. I am powerless before him. I don’t like that.
There is no one man or woman or anything tangible that has that kind of power over me. Once upon a time long ago a particular woman had that kind of power over me. Regrettably enough, she never quite used it. You know, the unrequited love crap. Even that I could come out of. It was tough. It took me quite a while to reconcile myself to the realisation that it will never happen and I finally found peace in myself.
But nicotine is something that has a much stronger grip over me. I just can’t come out of it. It’s such a shame.
I am one of those who does everything very consciously. If I do something illegal, immoral or fattening - I would do it very consciously and deliberately. I have always consciously chosen to do whatever I do and that’s why I have complete control over virtually everything. You can never entice me into doing something that I don’t really want to do. Not even illicit sex – which I agree is a very strong attraction for most males and lot of men would walk into a sex trap without realising what they are doing.
Therefore, this battle against nicotine. I am not really too concerned about the health aspects of nicotine or smoking. It kills you. I know. So what? Lots of things can kill me and in any case I will die one day. It makes you impotent. So what? I could live without sex. It harms others. I never smoke in front of non-smokers and therefore I don’t harm others. My car harms others even more and it is perfectly legal to do so.
But I want to give up smoking so that I can tell myself: yes I am really free. Nothing can control me. I am a free man. I can decide what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. That’s the principal motivation for me to give up smoking. I hope some day I will win. The battle is on. It’s a constant battle. You have to be conscious all the time. And keep fighting. It is tiring. It is like using your hand to plug a hole in the dyke. The moment you remove your hand your town will be flooded. And it does get flooded every now and then.
One of the things I am doing these days is not to smoke while doing something else. That is, not to smoke absentmindedly. I want to remain very conscious that I am smoking. Know what I am doing. This helps to control the unconscious urges to reach out for a smoke.
Also I am trying to change the place where I smoke every time. The place where you choose to smoke and the time of the day – these are connected to your addiction.
Let me see where I reach.
He would also tell me the names of various fashionable foreign brands that his elder brother’s wife would bring for him from abroad and how his friends would envy him for that. My uncle used to work in Sudan and they used to travel abroad very often. My father was my aunt’s favourite and she would spoil him rotten with such gifts.
I clearly remember that as a child the subject of smoking was an important subject to discuss with my father. Another of my favourite topics to discuss with him used to be his childhood days in the small towns of Bihar.
I remember once telling him in all my excitement: Baba there is this machine that you can use to roll your own cigarettes!! Did you ever use them? Baba said, “oh come on. I could roll three cigarettes on my own in the time it takes for the roller to make one.” I thought this was a very heroic thing to do. And secretly aspired to be able to do it one day when I grew up.
I still remember I used to urge my father to take up smoking again, so that I could collect the glamorous empty packs. And like all young boys, I wanted Baba to be my hero. And all heroes smoked. He never picked up smoking again in his life. I have never actually seen him smoke. And it used to break my heart.
Then there was this maternal uncle I had who reportedly had started smoking from class two – age six or seven. I thought I would start from class eight. I don’t know why, but I thought once you were in class eight you were grown up enough to smoke. So in December 1979, when I was promoted to class eight I bought my first cigarette in Shantiniketan Poush Mela.
To make sure no one familiar would see me, I went towards the back of the fair. And while buying (I think it was a brand called Number 10) I chose a youngish boy to buy it from. The first few years I used to smoke one cigarette a day. Towards the evening. I would walk at least three four kilometres to go to a place where no one would know me and buy from shops where the sellers were much younger than usual. To smoke however, I would go to desolate places. The top of Dhakuria Bridge was a favourite spot.
I clearly remember smoking used to give me a fantastic sexual pleasure. I would get rock hard while puffing. You didn’t really have to think about any particular woman. It would just happen the moment you put the cigarette between the lips. Obviously enough, smoking fulfilled some subconscious need for oral gratification.
I don’t remember when exactly I lost this feeling of pleasure. But it isn’t there any more. In fact smoking forty cigarettes a day perhaps kills your appetite for sex. It can even lead to impotence I guess.
I don’t know if women derive any sexual pleasure from smoking. Perhaps they do. I have never discussed this with any female smoker.
There was another very important factor that contributed to smoking. This Charminar ad of Jackie Shroff (if you are a foreigner – Jackie is a macho male Indian model of yester years and now a celebrity film star in Bollywood. Despite the name, this Jackie is not a woman). Driving an open hood Jeep through lush green tea gardens, wearing dark sunglasses and looking very cool. This ad was most definitely my favourite. It justified smoking as something that cool guys do.
Charminar also had a popular radio ad before this – “Relax. Have a Charminar”. This was probably targeted at slightly older folks. The Jackie ad was more for hooking youngsters to the pleasures of smoking.
I am glad cigarette advertisements have been banned in India now. I am sure less number of young children these days are fascinated by the idea of smoking. There is nothing heroic about being able to smoke 40 cigarettes a day. Or even one.
However, what I hate most about my addiction to tobacco is that it is an addiction and because it is an addiction I can’t control it. Rather nicotine controls me and I don’t like that. Nicotine is more powerful than me. He controls my actions and emotions. I am powerless before him. I don’t like that.
There is no one man or woman or anything tangible that has that kind of power over me. Once upon a time long ago a particular woman had that kind of power over me. Regrettably enough, she never quite used it. You know, the unrequited love crap. Even that I could come out of. It was tough. It took me quite a while to reconcile myself to the realisation that it will never happen and I finally found peace in myself.
But nicotine is something that has a much stronger grip over me. I just can’t come out of it. It’s such a shame.
I am one of those who does everything very consciously. If I do something illegal, immoral or fattening - I would do it very consciously and deliberately. I have always consciously chosen to do whatever I do and that’s why I have complete control over virtually everything. You can never entice me into doing something that I don’t really want to do. Not even illicit sex – which I agree is a very strong attraction for most males and lot of men would walk into a sex trap without realising what they are doing.
Therefore, this battle against nicotine. I am not really too concerned about the health aspects of nicotine or smoking. It kills you. I know. So what? Lots of things can kill me and in any case I will die one day. It makes you impotent. So what? I could live without sex. It harms others. I never smoke in front of non-smokers and therefore I don’t harm others. My car harms others even more and it is perfectly legal to do so.
But I want to give up smoking so that I can tell myself: yes I am really free. Nothing can control me. I am a free man. I can decide what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. That’s the principal motivation for me to give up smoking. I hope some day I will win. The battle is on. It’s a constant battle. You have to be conscious all the time. And keep fighting. It is tiring. It is like using your hand to plug a hole in the dyke. The moment you remove your hand your town will be flooded. And it does get flooded every now and then.
One of the things I am doing these days is not to smoke while doing something else. That is, not to smoke absentmindedly. I want to remain very conscious that I am smoking. Know what I am doing. This helps to control the unconscious urges to reach out for a smoke.
Also I am trying to change the place where I smoke every time. The place where you choose to smoke and the time of the day – these are connected to your addiction.
Let me see where I reach.
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